Transformation of Dreams
Becoming the Bird I was Always Meant to Be
Me and My Guide Hawk. Graphite Sketch. Gina Duran. 2024.
When I was around 4, I spent a lot of time outdoors—making mud pies, climbing trees, shimming fences, scouring roof tops, and exploring under the house. I made up stories and searched for insects. But, more importantly I developed a relationship with birds and my fluffy black dog, Bear. Though Bear was obedient and very kind towards a child lost in their own suffering, this is not about that relationship. I have been writing a lot about birds in my poetry and plays, because birds help me develop a relationship with nature and imagination.
I would make wishes to fly and dreamt of flying to escape. But it never felt like running away from trauma, it was triumphant and magical. I would go to far away lands and sometimes to heaven.
As I grew older, I became so good at flying all I had to do was run and jump and I would just continue to float. Soon people saw how good I could fly, they asked me to teach them. I flew everywhere in my dreams. Sometimes, I grew bored of teaching people how to fly. Then I would just fly higher and faster. Finally, one day I became a bird. At first, I thought I might be a hawk. My father always said we were hawks, but I didn’t want to be like him. Until, one day I decided to embrace being a hawk. Being a hawk didn’t mean I was like him. Then as I transformed in the air, I realized I wasn’t a hawk. I was too big and my beak was different. I felt like a different kind of bird. Perhaps, I was becoming an eagle. I got so excited, I woke up. I didn’t get to find out who I actually was. But I felt like an eagle.
I feel like that sums up my past. I would get so excited about who I was becoming that I often lost sight of who I was. But this past year, I feel so much more settled in my body—even with the eczema and asthma. I don’t get super excited, but I still get pretty enthusiastic. I enjoy life. I still feel heartbroken by the suffering and violence in the world. I still hurt by the prejudices that exist. But, I like who I am. As I just enjoy it, I get to see things unfold and don’t want to miss out by the end of this story. It feels like I’m beginning to cruise. I love pretending and making up stories. I hope they bring joy and knowledge and understanding into the world. I hope the stories become what they were meant to be.
I feel like birds have always guided me. They let me know everything is going to be okay. In my physical life and in my dream life. Now. I hope to tell those stories.
When you look out into the world, do you hear the truths told to you by the earth? And if you do, do you listen? Do you let the earth and its creatures guide you and listen to their stories?