Pitzer College. 2017.
Last night, I had a revelation about the transformation of self-acceptance after 12 years of rectification due to my daughter’s suicide attempt, as result of my suicide attempt. After, creating a grassroots outreach and teaching art to vulnerable youth. After realizing that I could never be a hero and let go of my savior complex in order to save myself and my children. I have finally forgiven myself. I realized that my guilt was the process of my grief and I am ever so grateful for it, because it has made me who I am today. And whether this lacks humility or not, I don’t care; I am so fucking proud of who I have become, as a result of that guilt. I have created so much art and connected with thousands of youth and all of you on my journey to heal and make this difference.
Perhaps this recent spiritual journey has brought me to this revelation, but my leg is feeling much better this morning and my bird friends are back.
I have yet to meet my recent messenger, but it is likely a male red-tailed hawk. The red-tailed hawk has been a family messenger for generations—it is on our family crest—so it is of no surprise. So far this hawk has knocked on my door with a chicken’s thigh. Leaving its icky remnants at my doorstep. Interestingly, it was just from a cooked chicken. So, this guy is creative and is just throwing garbage at my door.
Today, I found a headless mouse next to the trashcan. I’m just like, at least it was near the garbage. Close but no cigar, buddy. I’ll have to train him to lift the lid. Typical.
I haven’t seen a hawk around my house, but I have seen them in nearby neighborhoods. It is spring, but this is the first time I have received gifts from a hawk. Outside of feathers. Its messages are heard loud and clear.
This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing. Also this, “ And whether this lacks humility or not, I don’t care; I am so fucking proud of who I have become, as a result of that guilt.” 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾